I took the kids to Florida last week to visit my parents. It was such a lovely vacation. I felt alive, present, and relaxed. So much pleasure was derived from watching Char and Eli play together in the pool, and having my parents join in to play monkey in the middle and catch. It felt blissful to witness Char teaching Eli how to swim underwater for the first time with so much love and patience. And Eli brimming with pride about his new ability to swim without his water wings. It was so serene with the heat on my skin and the sound of rustling palm leaves swaying in the warm wind.
On our fifth day there, my mom had me and Char gather around her computer to listen to a 9 year-old child completely nail Rise Up, by Andra Day on America's Got Talent. I felt a tinge of grief. I got distracted for a moment by how seriously talented this child singer is, but then the tinge nestled itself into my skin. The song was over, and my mood had changed. I felt edgy but pushed down the grief. I got through the night and managed to fall asleep to the song Rise Up, playing in my head on repeat.
I wake up the next morning with a heavy heart. The song is still looping in my head. I hug my mom in the kitchen and surprise her for a moment when she realizes I'm silently weeping in her arms. She holds me tighter and sways, she rubs my back. I don't tell her until the next day about the song and how it triggered me. After a while, I slow my tears and tell her I need to sleep. I lie down and grief starts to ripple through my body.
The memories start to play themselves out. I see Kamila opening for one of my annual winter solstice shows and playing open mic nights at the old Bull & Quench and 'The Boat' at 9 years old. I see Kamila and her close friend Meggan Bessette singing Rise Up in the backseat of my car to the top of their lungs. They played basketball on the same team in high school so I guess that I must have been driving them to to a game. What makes this memory especially painful is that Meggan died on July 13, 2022. I text my friend in that moment to anchor myself. While writing this post I went back on those texts and pulled out some snippets. They really show where my head goes in these moments. Trigger warning, it's dark and hopeless.
Hard to believe I can be positive, it feels so out of reach right now. I just threw up. I was crying in my mother's arms for a bit, then the pit in my stomach turned into burning pain...
...I wish I could have her back. I wish it was all just a huge long nightmare that I could wake up from. I don't know how to do this. I don't want this. I hate that this is my life. I hate that she just disappeared...
...I'm trying really hard, to keep living and to love life despite all the darkness and fucked up shit it contains. But sometimes I get so tired...
After letting out more tears and feeling anchored from the support I received, I fall asleep for a morning nap. When I wake up, the song is still playing in my head. I look up the lyrics and I almost feel haunted by how relevant and poignant they are for what I am experiencing in that moment. They speak to the very ache that I collected from the song itself the night before.
When I get back to North Bay, it occurs to me that the song is still in my head, three days later. I sat there thinking about how usually, when a song gets stuck in my head, I learn how to play it. So I did. I looked up the chords, sat at the piano and started to play it. I feel a shift of energy in the room, like a high vibration pulsing against my skin. 'Kamila is here', I tell myself. The energy is so strong that I stop playing for a minute to catch my bearings. I hate to admit that I even feel unsettled. I have talked myself in and out of what I believe happens to us after we die. She's here, she's not here it's all a delusion, she's here, she's not here it's all a delusion. I feel her encouraging me to sing the song again. I return my fingers to the keys and play it again, feeling elated, exalted. She's here.
Rise Up Lyrics by Andra Day
You're broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can't find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
And I'll rise up
High like the waves
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
For you
For you
For you
For you
When the silence isn't quiet And it feels like it's getting hard to breathe And I know you feel like dying But I promise we'll take the world to its feet And move mountains Bring it to its feet And move mountains And I'll rise up I'll rise like the day I'll rise up I'll rise unafraid I'll rise up And I'll do it a thousand times again For you For you For you For you
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
And we will rise
We will rise, We'll rise, We'll rise
I'll rise up Rise like the day I'll rise up In spite of the ache I will rise a thousand times again And we'll rise up High like the waves We'll rise up In spite of the ache We'll rise up And we'll do it a thousand times again For you For you For you For you
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