I miss you so much Kamila. They say that time heals, but the more that time passes, the longer it's been since I hugged you, talked to you, or even laid eyes on you.
Today won't be a day for being strong and forward-moving. I've been trying, believe me. The grief energy has been gathering for weeks now, and it's culminated to a level of pain that makes it impossible to keep moving forward without releasing.
I hate this so much, I really do. I hate that you died. I had no idea that this was going to happen in our story, my love. Living my life without you is like no other pain. I miss your laugh, and the sound you made when you were excited. It was like a high-pitched squeal. It drives me crazy that I don't have a recording of it, but I hear it in my head still. I don't ever want to lose these pieces of you in my memory. The scary truth is, I spend less time grieving you, and so less time remembering you. God it's terrifying to think I might lose more of you.
You were bossy as hell but it's because you were a natural-born leader, and you knew what you wanted for your life and for the world around you. I've never seen someone have as much of a bad case of FOMO as you. It's like on some level you knew you only had a short time, so you seized every single moment.
I went to Bath and Body Works a few weeks ago and your old boss came and chatted with me and Eli. Tears ran down her cheeks in a steady stream the entire time that she talked about you and how much she misses you. She even brought her daughter and husband to do a pilgrimage of sorts to your old stomping grounds in Kingston. At one point she asked Eli if he wanted to see what your favourite candle to sell was. It was Rose Water Ivy, but apparently you called it Rose Water Juvy?? My silly, silly girl.
I've been feeling called to piece together a bunch of video clips and photos of you so that I can watch it when I feel this way. The original inspiration was to do it for Eli, because he was so young when you died. He still talks about you every day though, without exaggeration. I'm thinking that if I worry about losing some of you in my memory, the chances are much highier for him.
So here we are, May 20, the beginning of my very last week with you 3 years ago. And boy can I feel it. You made the decision on this week to spend the summer in Kingston instead of North Bay because you missed the amazing friends you made there. You finally found your tribe, the people who could see you and appreciate you for the amazing gift that you were. You were nervous to tell me, worried it would hurt my feelings. My answer was the same as it usually was, "All I care about is that you follow your own heart and that you go where it leads you, instead of making decisions based on what you think others want for you."
Well you did it my love. You decided to go back, but before you did you visited everyone you cared about to say goodbye. What a girl. I'm so fucking proud of you. I'll always be proud of you. I will never stop loving and remembering you my sweet girl.
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