Trigger warning: these letters and entries were recorded in some of my darkest hours. I feel compelled to share them because they are part of my journey. I didn't get to where I am now without a painful, arduous passage through the darkest night of the soul. Take good care of yourself if you decide to keep reading this section, and keep in mind that I am more than ok now.
If you are going through devastating loss, may my experience provide hope that you will also be more than ok someday too.
Notes to Kami
In the first months it felt impossible to not be able to talk to Kamila. The only way I could come close to it was to write her as though she was still here.
July 30, 2021
How do I let go of you my sweet girl? It still doesn’t feel real. I love you so much and miss you beyond words. You lived your life to the fullest and chose your own path. I’m so fucking proud of you. I so didn’t see this coming. I’m so glad we talked that last time before your friend arrived. You looked so beautiful and mature.
I thought I would get to be a grandmother to your beautiful kids. I love how you locked the note with your baby names to-be.
August 23, 2021
My sweet Kamila, I can hardly stand this pain. I woke up from a dream where I was putting a crazy fort together like we used to do when you were little. I feel like a huge part of me is missing. I don’t know how to do this my sweet girl.
I makes no sense to me. Why did you have to go? How do I deal with this hole in my heart?
Sept 6, 2021
I made muffins with Eli today and listened to the playlist you made for him. You have so so much love for him. It makes me so sad that he won’t get to grow up and know you as an adult some day.
What a gift to leave a playlist for him. I’m sure he will always cherish it.
I miss you so much it hurts Kamila. It’s hard to keep going sometimes. I love you so much.
Sept 19, 2021
I felt you all week and drew my inspiration from you to be active. I’m crashing hard after a week of feeling not so bad. It’s so very hard to accept that you left your body. Your life. Your family. I’m so sad for Eli and Charlotte. I wish Eli would have been a bit older. I always said you would travel together some day when he was older. But I never saw this coming.
My heart aches for you my sweet girl. I miss you so very much. Our trip is going to be so hard without you. You are so very missed my sweet Kamila.
I wish I could call you or text you. Ask you how your weekend went and what your birthday plans are. I wish I could hug you and hold you and never let go.
I love you to the moon and back
Xoxoxoxo
September 27, 2021
I love you so much Kami. I feel you and know you are there.
Nov 7, 2021
Kamila I miss you so much. I don’t know how to keep living without you.
December 21, 2021
It's Eli's birthday, and you aren't here. You are in spirit and love but you aren't here. I don't know how to live with this.
My little girl, where are you?
December 29, 2021
Kamila I miss the shit out of you. I can't believe you are gone.
I keep thinking of you younger today and how full of life you were. You wanted to do everything. Always asking me to do something fun. We did something everyday. We were partners in crime.
I can't believe you died. You were only 19 years old.
I'M SO FUCKING MAD. I WANT YOU BACK.
January 21, 2022
It was an absolute honour to be your mother. I'm so sad you had to go.
My baby girl.
March 16, 2022
Oh Kamila, how are you gone?
What happened? My sailboat. Such a kind, adventurous spirit. Bringing light and wind to darkness and stagnancy. You brought colour and huge love.
April 3, 2023
It's almost been 2 years since you stopped living as a human being. I miss you so much Kami. I can only imagine what you would be up to this summer. Probably backpack through Europe. I would do anything to hold you, hug you, laugh with you.
Early Journal Entries
The following are snippets from my journal that I started writing in about 3 months after Kamila died:
September 22, 2021
I'm not doing great.
My darkness, is it too dark? Are people sick of hearing about my pain and struggles? In some ways I feel very alone. I need help and support and love. I feel alienated from Kamila dying, like an anomaly.
Maybe I need to take inventory of the people who show up, and who know how to be around me.
(Listed names in my journal)
I don't know how to do this.
December 20, 2021
Time to reflect. Here I am, on the other side of the crash. I lost my baby girl. It's been a complete dark nightmare, full of pain, shards of glass.
I somehow have survived my absolute worse nightmare.
January 21, 2022
Hard to process everything. To have my heart looked at so closely. How ironic, because my heart is broken, but it won't be found on any test. (Kamila's first degree relatives had to get our hearts tested as a result of her sudden cardiac arrest).
How am I surviving this? Starting to live and find joy again? How?
July 13, 2022
I feel deep pain inside me. I feel sad, angry, afraid. I feel angry that people are wasting their gift of being alive.
Maybe I am too. I'm trying. I'm fighting for my life. Doing anything I can to make my life count.
I'm barely keeping my own head above water. I'm really confused about how to help the kids though. Isn't it my job to support them? Kamila died suddenly and for no apparent reason. Everyone is grieving. Everyone is hurting. What am I to do? How can I be the most supportive I can be? Including to myself.
Self-compassion. Can I love myself through the pain?
Help me Kamila, I need you.
July 21, 2022 (at River and Sky Festival)
...I need to keep going and being and somehow withstand the most intense waves of grief. I think I have one building up today.
I'm facing parts of Kamila's life that belong here at River and Sky. When she brought Darby, Meggan and Mackenzie over the years.
August 13, 2023
There is a weight on my heart. It's been weighing on me for about a week. Heaviness of facing the huge absence of my sweet girl. My daisy love.
The river helped so much. The flow of the water. The music.